Psychology of Parenting

back to S-C-H-O-O-L tips for parents

Here are some tips for parents to keep in mind as we dive head first into BACK TO SCHOOL!!

NO! No caffeine.

COMMUNICATION! Your child needs to talk to you about school. Where will you find five dedicated minutes to listen? How about no electronics while commuting to and from school; or at mealtime together; and even 5 minutes before ‘lights-out’ at bedtime? With no television, cell phone or computer, your child will know you are ready to hear from them.

HOMEWORK!  Create a homework spot, well-lit and away from distraction. Let your child pick out their own style of desk accessories, a cork board (for great test results and upcoming projects) and a jumbo calendar.  Personalizing the space makes it easier for children to sit and tackle the task at hand. No Excuses!

OPEN-MINDED OPTIMISM! It’s a clean slate, a new beginning, a fresh start. Expect the best. Work hard. Block the negative messages you may hear about the new teacher, the new student or the new syllabus. This is an Olympic year: Go for Gold!!

LUNCH! Now more than ever parents are aware of the cost of buying lunch on-the-road and the low nutritional value of many pre-packaged snacks. Shop purposefully. Encourage your children to help make their own lunches as a part of their “winding down” every evening. Home-made sandwiches, a fruit (or two) and an igloo of ice and water can be prepared from the night before, and will be cheaper and healthier than “ a patty plus tax”. WATCH this video featuring some more tips from our nutritionist Kerry Weatherly.

A little planning ahead and a lot of agreement on goals can result in a fruitful year for every member of the family not just the ‘schoolaz’.

• S Sleep
• C Communication
• H Homework
• O Open-mindedness
• O Optimism
• L Lunch

 

Strong Body. Healthy Mind. Solid Foundation.

This is an edited reproduction of our editorial as it appears in the

Back to School Supplement of the Jamaica Observer

Friday Aug 17, 2012

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EXAM CALM: parenting seminar for GSAT preparation

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Once a Spouse, Always a Parent (Part 2)

Age appropriate strategies to help your child cope with divorce or separation

Children experience their parents’ separation/divorce differently throughout the different stages of development. The following are age appropriate suggestions for ways to help your child cope during this challenging period:

Birth to 2 years

At this stage maintaining consistency in your child’s environment is essential. Time spent with parents, siblings, grandparents should not decrease significantly. Try having family members visit the child instead of the child being moved back and forth between different locations. Hug, kiss, play, walk and cuddle with your child as much as possible.

2 to 7 years

In addition to maintaining consistency, more verbal communication is needed at this age. Communicate in simple words with your child that a change will take place. Going into major detail about why this change is taking place is not necessary. However, certain messages should be communicated by both parents such as: “We will always be your mummy and daddy,” “we will always love you,” “this not your fault, this is between mummy and daddy” and “if you ever want to talk about how you feel or have any questions feel free to ask us.” Additionally, let your child know what the arrangements will be once you and your spouse are separated.

7 to 12 years

During these years, try to establish open communication with your child. At this stage, children gradually become more aware of their emotions, they start to detect differences around them. One such difference may be that their friends and/or classmates do or do not have both parents dropping them to school. Your child may experience intense feelings of anger, guilt or sadness. Even though they may be hard for you to see, these are natural responses and children should be told this. It may be invaluable to the child if you “check in” with them. Ask open ended questions such as, “how do you feel about us separating?” “Is there anything I can do to help make this transition better for you?” And as always, try maintaining consistency as much as possible.

12 to 18 years

Two important suggestions for parents with children at this stage:

i)     Let your child cry on your shoulder. However, do not cry on theirs. Children worry and they care about their parents immensely. A natural instinct may be for children to take on adult roles or for parents to tell their children that it is time to be the head of the house. Keep the roles clear for yourself and your child.

ii)     Promote healthy outlets for your child’s emotions. Avoid significant increases in fast food, time on the computer or playing video games. Be aware of experimentation with alcohol and/or smoking. To counteract this, offer to host your child’s friends for games or movie nights, trips to the beach, counselling and of course, keep the lines of communication open.

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Once a Spouse, Always a Parent

Three Ways to Help Your Child through Divorce or Separation

While marriage in Jamaica has decreased from 22,152 in 2008 to 20,489 in 2010, divorce is on the rise with 1,654 and 2,371 cases being reported in 2008 and 2010 respectively (STATIN). Additionally, recommendations have been made for an easier divorce process in an attempt to address the current backlog in the courts. One can assume that increasing numbers of co-habiting and common–law parents are also separating. Despite the increase in parental separation, many mothers and fathers have little or no idea of how best to handle this stress both for themselves and for their children.

TIP ONE: Self Care

First things first; make sure you are taking care of yourself. Use healthy coping mechanisms such as exercising and enlisting the support of loved ones. If you find yourself withdrawing socially or being overwhelmed at work, seek counselling. Separation is one of the TOP THREE highest stressors for any adult in the world. Self-care is vital because children worry. It is important to minimize how much your child worries about you and it is even more important that you DO NOT let your child take care of you.  

TIP TWO: Create a Child Relations (CR) Campaign

Children deserve to be given updates from the moment divorce/separation is imminent, throughout the process and after the separation. Both parents need to discuss, develop and carefully plan how they intend to handle this process with children. Your plan should take into account your child’s age*. Remember:-

1)     Be honest – Parents want to protect their children and keeping the truth away from them is a common strategy. While parents mean well, hiding the truth may do more harm than good. Children are intuitive and will realise that “something is not right.” They may create their own explanations about what is happening and often time blame themselves. Children deserve the truth especially when it concerns a potentially challenging experience for the child.

2)     Be simple and straightforward – Children respond better to simple and direct explanations. Both parents need to work together to ensure that your child:

i)     is reassured that they are loved by both parents,

ii)     knows they are not the reason for the divorce and

iii)     feels free to ask questions.

TIP THREE: Maintain Routine

For many, change is hard and the uncertain, scary. Trying to cope with too many changes at once can be difficult for children. As a result, parents must make a major effort to maintain stability. Avoid, as much as possible, significant changes to your child’s bed times, morning routine, pickups and drop offs to dance, extra lessons or sports. Discipline must be agreed and maintained. Do not allow your child to play adults against each other. Maintaining a united front at this time of upheaval will reassure your child that they do not have to be “in charge” and it will make future challenges of co-parenting easier for all. And most importantly, the signs of affection: hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” should flow as freely as before the changes began.

*Check out Part 2 for age appropriate suggestions.

Alexis Goffe is a masters level counselling psychologist at Caribbean Tots to Teens. He can be reached at alexis@caribbeantotstoteens.com A slightly modified version of this article was published in the Paediatric Association of Jamaica’s Child Month Supplement in the Jamaica Gleaner on May 8th, 2012.

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A-U-T-I-S-M: on the outside looking in.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. That means that each child can be affected in different ways and each child can be helped in different ways. As the number of children diagnosed with autism rises all over the world, chances are, right here in the Caribbean, you already know a family who is challenged with this disorder.

We all know that saying things like…

                Why don’t you leave your child at home?

                Your child is frightening my children!

                I am so sorry for you.

                Why don’t you try the gluten-free, live-food diet?

 …are all painful, insensitive and unnecessary statements. But what SHOULD you say or do when a friend tells you their child has been diagnosed with autism? We have a few suggestions.

A   Ask how you can help

U  Understand how the family feels

T  Teach your children about autism

I  Individualize the Issues

S  Support the cause and share all you learn

M  Make memories: Celebrate the joys! Share the sorrows.

Ask how you can help

Never assume you know what the family needs. Sometimes they may need a babysitter for a few hours. Maybe they need help with the non autistic children, to allow them to spend more time with their autistic child. Sometimes offering to visit the house when there is no babysitter is just the ticket to include a Mommy who may be feeling overwhelmed or left out. A listening ear, offered with a non-judgemental heart, is a rare and precious gift. Do you have one to share?

Understand how the family feels

Allow the family to lead the way. Ask them how they feel. Not every day is a ‘bad day’. Children with autism develop, learn and change and just like parenting any child; parenting a child with autism has its ups and downs. Never assume that parents are feeling sorry for themselves.

Teach other children

Children can be cruel. Children are always curious. Teach other children how they can play with children with autism. Teach your children to accommodate and interact with your friend’s child with autism. Prevent bullying and discrimination. Teach kindness.

Individualize the Issues

Let the parent and family know that you do NOT know about THEIR child’s disorder. Even if you have experience with an individual with autism before, every child is different. Ask them to tell you more. What makes their child different? Is there something you should do to prepare for when that child is coming to visit? Is there anything they cannot or should not eat? Become aware of the special needs and be supportive in a meaningful way.

Support and share what you learn

Support the cause in any way you can: can you help with the website, sell raffle tickets, or simply tell another friend how to help. Share everything you know. Be a voice for the cause.

Make Memories

Children with autism can achieve goals. They can develop. They can be naughty. They are children, before they are children with autism. Parents of children with autism can be great parents. They can be interactive and fun parents. They can be tired and frustrated parents. They enjoy parenting. They love their children. Celebrate the JOYS, Share the Sorrows. Your presence and caring can mean so much to a family that often feels misunderstood, rejected and alone.

Autism Awareness Month in Jamaica has begun again and the national and individual challenges for children with autism and their parents continue. Let’s do all we can to support them.

We at Tots to Teens are happy to have a team of therapists who offer Assessment, Counselling Psychotherapy (for talkers) and Art Therapy (especially for “non-talkers”  or pre-verbal clients) to children and families of children with CHRONIC ILLNESSES. We are working to be an excellent source of professional help to Jamaican families dealing with these sensitive and specific issues. Call us at the Office of Tots to Teens: 978.8535 or email us for more information info@caribbeantotstoteens.com.

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You are Loved

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You can’t hurry love: Handling your child’s Valentine’s Day blues

by Alexis Goffe

The unfortunate truth is: Valentine’s Day is not a special day of love, flowers or chocolates for everyone. What is even more unfortunate is that the negative feelings of being unloved, not special, rejected, lonely or even unattractive on Valentine’s Day can be experienced by our children. This truth can be extremely hard for children as early as prep/primary school. A guidance counsellor once told me that his granddaughter who is in Grade 2 was heard asking a male classmate, “Do you love me? It’s ok, I can handle the truth!” Being hurt knows no age; or gender for that matter. We tend to think that Valentine’s Day is a potentially challenging time for girls. However, boys are just as susceptible to these feelings as girls.

Here are four suggestions for handling your child’s experiences around Valentine’s Day:-

Listen

Find out if your child is experiencing any feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day. Do they have plans? Are they planning to ask someone to be their valentine? How are they feeling about having a valentine or not having a valentine? During this conversation, listen to your child and listen well. Give them your undivided attention and create a space for your child to be open and honest.

Offer support

Once you know the child’s thoughts and feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day, thank them for allowing you into their world. Let them know how important it is to be able to tell safe people about their feelings in good and bad times. You can do two things at this point: i) Ask them how best you can support them or ii) Ask for their permission to give them some advice.

Validate feelings

This is one of my favourites. Let your child know it is ok to feel down if they do not have a valentine. One of the best ways to normalize their feelings is to tell them a story of a time you experienced similar feelings and how you handled them. It is important not to trivialize your child’s feelings or categorize it as “being young.” Legitimize their feelings as much as possible.

Encourage family time

Times of loneliness for our children are prime opportunities to reinforce the love you have for your child. Planning family activities on Valentine’s Day can be a great way to lessen negative feelings and strengthen the family bond. Possible activities include watching a movie, having a special family dinner, playing a game, creating an arts and craft project or seeing a play.

Parents must provide an environment of love, acceptance and warmth for their children. Show them the type of love and respect you want them to expect, demand and experience in their future relationships.

We know children may want to find love and find it quick. So parents, take this opportunity to remind your child that – while they can’t hurry love, they will just have to wait and it doesn’t come easy – the love you have for them is already present and everlasting.

Alexis Goffe is a counselling psychologist at Caribbean Tots to Teens. He can be reached at alexis@caribbeantotstoteens.com

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