psychology Tag

Once a Spouse, Always a Parent (Part 2)

Age appropriate strategies to help your child cope with divorce or separation

Children experience their parents’ separation/divorce differently throughout the different stages of development. The following are age appropriate suggestions for ways to help your child cope during this challenging period:

Birth to 2 years

At this stage maintaining consistency in your child’s environment is essential. Time spent with parents, siblings, grandparents should not decrease significantly. Try having family members visit the child instead of the child being moved back and forth between different locations. Hug, kiss, play, walk and cuddle with your child as much as possible.

2 to 7 years

In addition to maintaining consistency, more verbal communication is needed at this age. Communicate in simple words with your child that a change will take place. Going into major detail about why this change is taking place is not necessary. However, certain messages should be communicated by both parents such as: “We will always be your mummy and daddy,” “we will always love you,” “this not your fault, this is between mummy and daddy” and “if you ever want to talk about how you feel or have any questions feel free to ask us.” Additionally, let your child know what the arrangements will be once you and your spouse are separated.

7 to 12 years

During these years, try to establish open communication with your child. At this stage, children gradually become more aware of their emotions, they start to detect differences around them. One such difference may be that their friends and/or classmates do or do not have both parents dropping them to school. Your child may experience intense feelings of anger, guilt or sadness. Even though they may be hard for you to see, these are natural responses and children should be told this. It may be invaluable to the child if you “check in” with them. Ask open ended questions such as, “how do you feel about us separating?” “Is there anything I can do to help make this transition better for you?” And as always, try maintaining consistency as much as possible.

12 to 18 years

Two important suggestions for parents with children at this stage:

i)     Let your child cry on your shoulder. However, do not cry on theirs. Children worry and they care about their parents immensely. A natural instinct may be for children to take on adult roles or for parents to tell their children that it is time to be the head of the house. Keep the roles clear for yourself and your child.

ii)     Promote healthy outlets for your child’s emotions. Avoid significant increases in fast food, time on the computer or playing video games. Be aware of experimentation with alcohol and/or smoking. To counteract this, offer to host your child’s friends for games or movie nights, trips to the beach, counselling and of course, keep the lines of communication open.

Once a Spouse, Always a Parent

Three Ways to Help Your Child through Divorce or Separation

While marriage in Jamaica has decreased from 22,152 in 2008 to 20,489 in 2010, divorce is on the rise with 1,654 and 2,371 cases being reported in 2008 and 2010 respectively (STATIN). Additionally, recommendations have been made for an easier divorce process in an attempt to address the current backlog in the courts. One can assume that increasing numbers of co-habiting and common–law parents are also separating. Despite the increase in parental separation, many mothers and fathers have little or no idea of how best to handle this stress both for themselves and for their children.

TIP ONE: Self Care

First things first; make sure you are taking care of yourself. Use healthy coping mechanisms such as exercising and enlisting the support of loved ones. If you find yourself withdrawing socially or being overwhelmed at work, seek counselling. Separation is one of the TOP THREE highest stressors for any adult in the world. Self-care is vital because children worry. It is important to minimize how much your child worries about you and it is even more important that you DO NOT let your child take care of you.  

TIP TWO: Create a Child Relations (CR) Campaign

Children deserve to be given updates from the moment divorce/separation is imminent, throughout the process and after the separation. Both parents need to discuss, develop and carefully plan how they intend to handle this process with children. Your plan should take into account your child’s age*. Remember:-

1)     Be honest – Parents want to protect their children and keeping the truth away from them is a common strategy. While parents mean well, hiding the truth may do more harm than good. Children are intuitive and will realise that “something is not right.” They may create their own explanations about what is happening and often time blame themselves. Children deserve the truth especially when it concerns a potentially challenging experience for the child.

2)     Be simple and straightforward – Children respond better to simple and direct explanations. Both parents need to work together to ensure that your child:

i)     is reassured that they are loved by both parents,

ii)     knows they are not the reason for the divorce and

iii)     feels free to ask questions.

TIP THREE: Maintain Routine

For many, change is hard and the uncertain, scary. Trying to cope with too many changes at once can be difficult for children. As a result, parents must make a major effort to maintain stability. Avoid, as much as possible, significant changes to your child’s bed times, morning routine, pickups and drop offs to dance, extra lessons or sports. Discipline must be agreed and maintained. Do not allow your child to play adults against each other. Maintaining a united front at this time of upheaval will reassure your child that they do not have to be “in charge” and it will make future challenges of co-parenting easier for all. And most importantly, the signs of affection: hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” should flow as freely as before the changes began.

*Check out Part 2 for age appropriate suggestions.

Alexis Goffe is a masters level counselling psychologist at Caribbean Tots to Teens. He can be reached at alexis@caribbeantotstoteens.com A slightly modified version of this article was published in the Paediatric Association of Jamaica’s Child Month Supplement in the Jamaica Gleaner on May 8th, 2012.

Snapshot Exam: GSAT ‘unsuitable’

GSAT ‘unsuitable’ – Lead Stories – Jamaica Gleaner – Monday | April 9, 2012.

“I don’t think that one exam should be used to determine the placement because the ministry has always encouraged us as educators that we should use different forms of assessment,” the senior educator said. Dr. Maragret Bailey.

Consultant clinical psychologist, Dr Karen Richards, (also) favoured continuous evaluation with school-based assessments (SBA) over just sitting exams, which she described as a snapshot.

Richards said it might be beneficial for the ministry to undertake a psychological assessment of the children preparing to sit GSAT to see how they cope with the stress associated with the exam. As it now stands, Richards said many of the children are under the impression that GSAT is a life-changer or a life-defining moment at the tender age of 11 when the truth is that many of them will have other opportunities in life.

“What we are saying to the children is that what you do now will determine who you are in the future. I don’t think there is anything further from the truth,” said the clinical psychologist.

You can’t hurry love: Handling your child’s Valentine’s Day blues

Heart Hands

by Alexis Goffe

The unfortunate truth is: Valentine’s Day is not a special day of love, flowers or chocolates for everyone. What is even more unfortunate is that the negative feelings of being unloved, not special, rejected, lonely or even unattractive on Valentine’s Day can be experienced by our children. This truth can be extremely hard for children as early as prep/primary school. A guidance counsellor once told me that his granddaughter who is in Grade 2 was heard asking a male classmate, “Do you love me? It’s ok, I can handle the truth!” Being hurt knows no age; or gender for that matter. We tend to think that Valentine’s Day is a potentially challenging time for girls. However, boys are just as susceptible to these feelings as girls.

Here are four suggestions for handling your child’s experiences around Valentine’s Day:-

Listen

Find out if your child is experiencing any feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day. Do they have plans? Are they planning to ask someone to be their valentine? How are they feeling about having a valentine or not having a valentine? During this conversation, listen to your child and listen well. Give them your undivided attention and create a space for your child to be open and honest.

Offer support

Once you know the child’s thoughts and feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day, thank them for allowing you into their world. Let them know how important it is to be able to tell safe people about their feelings in good and bad times. You can do two things at this point: i) Ask them how best you can support them or ii) Ask for their permission to give them some advice.

Validate feelings

This is one of my favourites. Let your child know it is ok to feel down if they do not have a valentine. One of the best ways to normalize their feelings is to tell them a story of a time you experienced similar feelings and how you handled them. It is important not to trivialize your child’s feelings or categorize it as “being young.” Legitimize their feelings as much as possible.

Encourage family time

Times of loneliness for our children are prime opportunities to reinforce the love you have for your child. Planning family activities on Valentine’s Day can be a great way to lessen negative feelings and strengthen the family bond. Possible activities include watching a movie, having a special family dinner, playing a game, creating an arts and craft project or seeing a play.

Parents must provide an environment of love, acceptance and warmth for their children. Show them the type of love and respect you want them to expect, demand and experience in their future relationships.

We know children may want to find love and find it quick. So parents, take this opportunity to remind your child that – while they can’t hurry love, they will just have to wait and it doesn’t come easy – the love you have for them is already present and everlasting.

Alexis Goffe is a counselling psychologist at Caribbean Tots to Teens. He can be reached at alexis@caribbeantotstoteens.com