When is a problem REALLY a problem | Dr. Shauna Miller
It can be difficult to figure out if a behaviour that you are noticing (or not noticing!) in your child needs special attention. Is it a phase? Will they grow out of it? Am I worrying too much?
All our children have their own individual personalities and preferences, strengths and challenges, so how do we know when an issue is concerning enough to seek help?
PARENT CHECK:
One way of deciding if a behaviour warrants attention is to check it against others the same age. How do most others in their class or their friend group act or cope? Sometimes, even if the same behaviour exists with peers, it may be more intense or frequent for your child which could be an indicator of trouble. Three year olds may tantrum, but having a tantrum every day for an extended time would be concerning. Teenagers are notorious for needing their own space (which is developmentally appropriate), but withdrawing from family and friends, and activities they liked should be a warning sign.
TEACHERS CHECK:
Another check can be with other caregivers who see your child. Teachers and doctors both engage with a wide spectrum of children at the same age as your child, and can be a good judge on whether a behaviour is atypical or concerning. Don’t hesitate to ask if others have noticed an issue or if they have the same level of concern.
IMPACT ON SCHOOL LIFE OR SOCIAL LIFE
Always keep in mind that children have differing abilities and needs. Even if something seems atypical compared to others, ask yourself whether the behaviour is affecting your child’s life in some way. Is it having an impact on their school life or their social life? This should be the key factor in deciding if an issue needs to be taken care of.
FIRST STEPS:
Identifying a problem is just the first step to finding a solution. The earlier a problem is addressed the better the outcomes and less chance of greater problems down the road. If you think something is off or could be wrong, ask around informally. Get other opinions. Get a formal assessment or speak to a specialist.
We can all work together to get the best outcomes for our children.
Written by: Dr. Shauna Miller, School Psychologist
Learn MoreManaging Challenging Behaviours in Your Children
Matthew McKenzie, Clinical Psychologist
Getting your child to cooperate with you can be one of the most challenging experiences as a parent. However, it can be achieved if you’re willing to adjust a few things. Changing the child’s environment is key; your attitudes, behaviours, rules, methods of discipline and lifestyle constitute the environment in which your child lives.
your attitudes, behaviours, rules, methods of discipline and lifestyle
constitute the ENVIRONMENT in which your child lives.
One of the things parents are always hungry for answers about is the root of the challenging behaviours in children. Some of the more pronounced ones are inconsistent discipline, excessive punishment of the child, lack of parental supervision and angry adult role models. One thing’s clear – many of the factors are under parental control and can be eliminated by parents, if parents choose to do so.
In some families parents consistently fail to notice, praise and reward the child’s good behaviour. The child therefore has little reason to display good behaviour, because he knows his parent/s will not respond to it. It is also the case in these families that parents angrily respond to the child’s bad or inappropriate behaviour. Thus these behavioural problems become a means by which children gain some attention from their parents, even if it’s negative attention.
In some of these families parents allow all kinds of misbehaviour to go unchecked and then periodically the crack down on the child with excessively harsh or abusive punishment; almost as if this punishment is payment for everything negative that the child has done over the past three months. Such inconsistent behaviours by parents place defiant children at greater risk for full-blown antisocial behaviour in adolescence and later life.
“inconsistent behaviours by parents place defiant children at
greater risk for full-blown antisocial behaviour in later life”
Over-reliance on punishment is an approach that creates many more problems than it solves. Excessive use of punishment trains the child to lie and to engage in sneaky behaviour to avoid punishment. Children may begin to feel fearful of their parents and actively avoid them. Punishment for bad behaviour should preferably be used sparingly. For punishment to be effective it has to be used as little as possible; occur immediately after the child displays unwanted behaviour; be carried out in the same manner each time; be handled in a calm business-like way; and be of short duration.
The key is consistency. When you do not enforce the rules of your home consistently, your child learns that sometimes I can get away with it. Keeping even a few of these things in mind can go a long way to help you manage your child’s behaviour more effectively. Remember, there are no bad children, just bad behaviours and so when we punish, we seek to punish the behaviour and not the child.
This article first appeared in the CHILD’S MONTH SUPPLEMENT of the Paediatric Association of Jamaica,
Gleaner May, 2013
Matthew McKenzie is a Clinical Psychologist at Tots to Teens.
He can be contacted via the office or via email at matthew.mckenzie@caribbeantotstoteens.com
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