Being Your Child’s Greatest Influence l Kellie-Anne Brown-Campbell
Parental Influence
We wanted to be “big” so much when we were growing up. We wanted to be an adult, to be able to go and do whatever we wanted to do. As girls, we dressed up in mummy’s high heels, threw scarf over our heads and pretended it was hair flowing down to our buttocks. We watched in awe as our fathers drove the car or as our mothers cooked meals. Who did we want to be like? If you think hard enough, our parents would be the answer. However, at some point, things changed. We started to look outside our homes; everyone and everything became more attractive and started to influence us. How we dressed, how we felt about ourselves, who we chose as friends, etc. Thus, as parents, how do we maintain that level of influence with our children?
Influence Through Socialization
In Sociology, the socialization of human beings is described as social agents being carried out with the family spoken to as the most influential agent of socialization during childhood. Outside of the family the other most influential social agents include school, peers and mass media. Conversely, today, social media is probably more influential than traditional media such as television and radio. Our children need the family, led by parents even more than ever before. There is significant competition happening in the world today, as so many forces (many of them negative) are now competing for control over our children’s lives. Therefore, as parents, it is critical that we find innovative and consistent ways to maintain positive influence over our children’s lives.
Influence Through Education
Being actively involved in our child’s education and school life is one of the most important ways to maintain a positive and dominant influence on them. Research has shown that when parents are involved in their child’s education, improvement in grades and test scores are seen; homework completion increases; and attitudes and behaviours towards academics and school improve. In addition, children’s active involvement in co-curricular and extra-curricular activities increases with parents involvement. Likewise, with parents active involvement in their child’s education, comes personal benefits; this has been my experience as a child, and now a parent of a young child. Conversely, teachers and administrators look out for the children of involved parents; somehow, it makes them happy to know that parents are a part of the team, and as such, they approach the education and nurturing of your child as such.
Lead By Example
In order to maintain influence over our children’s lives, it is also critical to lead by example. It’s becoming a very disappointing trend lately for adults to chastise our nation’s children about very negative and crass behavior. However, I beg to ask the question- “where did they learn these behaviours?” Evidently, the behaviours we see in our children is only a small representation of what exists in the larger society. The age old adage still applies today- “Children learn what they live, children live what they learn”. I would like to remind us of some of the words of the timeless poem by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Retrieved from http://greenmetric.ui.ac.id/from-policy-to-action/
Get Involved! Stay Involved!
Thus, in the spirit of the theme of Parents’ Month this November 2017, I encourage us as parents to remember that we have the greatest and hardest job of all- we have been entrusted with lives that we must see as our responsibility to mold and enhance in the best ways possible. Let us remember to encourage our children onto good works and prepare them for greatness, while teaching them about reality and the world. Let us set good examples for them to follow so that they can help to make this world a better place. GET INVOLVED! STAY INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES! Also, remember that they are children- no matter how tenacious and precocious they may be. Remember that children are not in charge of themselves and we have to lead the charge to direct and guide them into being the best human beings they can possibly be!
Written by Kellie-Anne Brown-Campbell, Associate School Psychologist
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More Fathers; More Nuclear Families
Dr. Herbert Gayle from Fathers Inc. Jamaica, has been making the news with his reports on the increasing numbers of “couple families” and definitive growth in the role of Jamaican fathers in the home.
He speaks of four critical roles that fathers should play: 1) protection 2) provision 3) nurturing and 4) being a role model.
It doesn’t matter which kind of couple family you may be in. Fathers Inc is appealing to parents to reject the ATM father syndrome and embrace PARTNERSHIP in parenting. The reseach shows a dramatic improvement is actually occurring. For more information, click the link below.
Let’s keep up the good work! Building Families, Building the Future.
http://jis.gov.jm/increase-couple-families/
Learn MoreManaging Challenging Behaviours in Your Children
Matthew McKenzie, Clinical Psychologist
Getting your child to cooperate with you can be one of the most challenging experiences as a parent. However, it can be achieved if you’re willing to adjust a few things. Changing the child’s environment is key; your attitudes, behaviours, rules, methods of discipline and lifestyle constitute the environment in which your child lives.
your attitudes, behaviours, rules, methods of discipline and lifestyle
constitute the ENVIRONMENT in which your child lives.
One of the things parents are always hungry for answers about is the root of the challenging behaviours in children. Some of the more pronounced ones are inconsistent discipline, excessive punishment of the child, lack of parental supervision and angry adult role models. One thing’s clear – many of the factors are under parental control and can be eliminated by parents, if parents choose to do so.
In some families parents consistently fail to notice, praise and reward the child’s good behaviour. The child therefore has little reason to display good behaviour, because he knows his parent/s will not respond to it. It is also the case in these families that parents angrily respond to the child’s bad or inappropriate behaviour. Thus these behavioural problems become a means by which children gain some attention from their parents, even if it’s negative attention.
In some of these families parents allow all kinds of misbehaviour to go unchecked and then periodically the crack down on the child with excessively harsh or abusive punishment; almost as if this punishment is payment for everything negative that the child has done over the past three months. Such inconsistent behaviours by parents place defiant children at greater risk for full-blown antisocial behaviour in adolescence and later life.
“inconsistent behaviours by parents place defiant children at
greater risk for full-blown antisocial behaviour in later life”
Over-reliance on punishment is an approach that creates many more problems than it solves. Excessive use of punishment trains the child to lie and to engage in sneaky behaviour to avoid punishment. Children may begin to feel fearful of their parents and actively avoid them. Punishment for bad behaviour should preferably be used sparingly. For punishment to be effective it has to be used as little as possible; occur immediately after the child displays unwanted behaviour; be carried out in the same manner each time; be handled in a calm business-like way; and be of short duration.
The key is consistency. When you do not enforce the rules of your home consistently, your child learns that sometimes I can get away with it. Keeping even a few of these things in mind can go a long way to help you manage your child’s behaviour more effectively. Remember, there are no bad children, just bad behaviours and so when we punish, we seek to punish the behaviour and not the child.
This article first appeared in the CHILD’S MONTH SUPPLEMENT of the Paediatric Association of Jamaica,
Gleaner May, 2013
Matthew McKenzie is a Clinical Psychologist at Tots to Teens.
He can be contacted via the office or via email at matthew.mckenzie@caribbeantotstoteens.com
Learn MoreArt Therapy for parents with children who have special needs.
Six-week summer programme with our own Leslie – Ann Belnavis. Call us at 978-8535 or email jamarttherapist@caribbeantotstoteens.com for further information.
Learn MoreAn Attitude of Gratitude
How do we shape the minds and hearts of children to be grateful and content?
Learn MoreJerry Sandusky and the Mind of a Pedophile
The paedophile is NOT a scary monster. The paedophile is the loving, helpful family friend, or family member who takes advantage of parental trust to win a target and capture a victim.
Have parents muted the voice that speaks niggling concern and disturbing discrepancy. Are parents striving to be attune to what their child is saying, without words.
This paedophile explains how children are chosen not just on the child’s personal characteristics, but also on the loose parenting style of the family. Please take heed.
Jerry Sandusky and the Mind of a Pedophile : The New Yorker.
When monsters roam free, we assume that people in positions of authority ought to be able to catch them if only they did their jobs. But that might be wishful thinking. A pedophile, van Dam’s story of Mr. Clay reminds us, is someone adept not just at preying on children but at confusing, deceiving, and charming the adults responsible for those children
The pedophile is often imagined as the dishevelled old man baldly offering candy to preschoolers. But the truth is that most of the time we have no clue what we are dealing with.
***
The successful pedophile does not select his targets arbitrarily. He culls them from a larger pool, testing and probing until he finds the most vulnerable. Clay, for example, first put himself in a place with easy access to children—an elementary school. Then he worked his way through his class. He began by simply asking boys if they wanted to stay after school. “Those who could not do so without parental permission were screened out,” van Dam writes. Children with vigilant parents are too risky. Those who remained were then caressed on the back, first over the shirt and then, if there was no objection from the child, under the shirt. “The child’s response was evaluated by waiting to see what was reported to the parents,” she goes on. “Parents inquiring about this behavior were told by Mr. Clay that he had simply been checking their child for signs of chicken pox. Those children were not targeted further.” The rest were “selected for more contact,” gradually moving below the belt and then to the genitals. The child molester’s key strategy is one of escalation, desensitizing the target with an ever-expanding touch.
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2012/09/24/120924crat_atlarge_gladwell#ixzz27DRQI8qj
This article is written by Malcolm Gladwell, Strong Jamaican links.
Learn MorePre-register and save! GSAT: Parenting Seminar
Parents who complete pre-registration on-line pay only $1000.00 on the day of the seminar.
Enter the word: ‘registration’ and your day of choice (Saturday / Sunday)
in the comments box to Pre-register by Sept 7 and SAVE!
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GSAT Parenting Seminar 2012
Parental Support Critical to School Development
In a letter published in the Gleaner today, the critical role of parents is highlighted as one of the three MAIN factors in school development.
A school becomes competitive when it has an effective principal, disciplined students and good parental support. Check many of these non-traditional high schools and see if they have those three driving factors.
We wholeheartedly agree that parents cannot “sit back and rest once” their child begins secondary school studies. We support all efforts to equip and support parents in their continuing essential role in child development and school development.
Learn MoreAlso, too many parents are laid back. They don’t care about what goes on at their children’s school. It is time they demand that the school improves in the areas that keep the school rooted at the bottom of the academic rankings. After all, they are the main stakeholders in the school and need to use up their power.
A-U-T-I-S-M: on the outside looking in.
Autism is a spectrum disorder. That means that each child can be affected in different ways and each child can be helped in different ways. As the number of children diagnosed with autism rises all over the world, chances are, right here in the Caribbean, you already know a family who is challenged with this disorder.
We all know that saying things like…
Why don’t you leave your child at home?
Your child is frightening my children!
I am so sorry for you.
Why don’t you try the gluten-free, live-food diet?
…are all painful, insensitive and unnecessary statements. But what SHOULD you say or do when a friend tells you their child has been diagnosed with autism? We have a few suggestions.
A Ask how you can help
U Understand how the family feels
T Teach your children about autism
I Individualize the Issues
S Support the cause and share all you learn
M Make memories: Celebrate the joys! Share the sorrows.
Ask how you can help
Never assume you know what the family needs. Sometimes they may need a babysitter for a few hours. Maybe they need help with the non autistic children, to allow them to spend more time with their autistic child. Sometimes offering to visit the house when there is no babysitter is just the ticket to include a Mommy who may be feeling overwhelmed or left out. A listening ear, offered with a non-judgemental heart, is a rare and precious gift. Do you have one to share?
Understand how the family feels
Allow the family to lead the way. Ask them how they feel. Not every day is a ‘bad day’. Children with autism develop, learn and change and just like parenting any child; parenting a child with autism has its ups and downs. Never assume that parents are feeling sorry for themselves.
Teach other children
Children can be cruel. Children are always curious. Teach other children how they can play with children with autism. Teach your children to accommodate and interact with your friend’s child with autism. Prevent bullying and discrimination. Teach kindness.
Individualize the Issues
Let the parent and family know that you do NOT know about THEIR child’s disorder. Even if you have experience with an individual with autism before, every child is different. Ask them to tell you more. What makes their child different? Is there something you should do to prepare for when that child is coming to visit? Is there anything they cannot or should not eat? Become aware of the special needs and be supportive in a meaningful way.
Support and share what you learn
Support the cause in any way you can: can you help with the website, sell raffle tickets, or simply tell another friend how to help. Share everything you know. Be a voice for the cause.
Make Memories
Children with autism can achieve goals. They can develop. They can be naughty. They are children, before they are children with autism. Parents of children with autism can be great parents. They can be interactive and fun parents. They can be tired and frustrated parents. They enjoy parenting. They love their children. Celebrate the JOYS, Share the Sorrows. Your presence and caring can mean so much to a family that often feels misunderstood, rejected and alone.
Autism Awareness Month in Jamaica has begun again and the national and individual challenges for children with autism and their parents continue. Let’s do all we can to support them.
We at Tots to Teens are happy to have a team of therapists who offer Assessment, Counselling Psychotherapy (for talkers) and Art Therapy (especially for “non-talkers” or pre-verbal clients) to children and families of children with CHRONIC ILLNESSES. We are working to be an excellent source of professional help to Jamaican families dealing with these sensitive and specific issues. Call us at the Office of Tots to Teens: 978.8535 or email us for more information info@caribbeantotstoteens.com.
Learn MorePortion-Sized not Super-Sized
12-year-old Marshall Reid has taken matters into his own hands and is motivating his family to eat right and exercise. Please enjoy this engaging account of how a child can show the way for so many others.
In theory, losing weight should be straightforward: eat healthier, subtract quantity, add exercise. In the real world, though, where each family member can have a different relationship with food, that equation can be far more complicated.
A Child Offers Plan on Portion Control for Dieters – NYTimes.com.
How can we empower children in the Caribbean to eat healthy and slow the alarming rates of high-blood pressure and diabetes that is literally killing our nations?
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